Newsletter & Family Devotion

2 Is Better Than 1: Facing Conflict Together

By Shaunti Feldhahn

“Dear Shaunti,

I work a lot of hours, and when I’m at home, I don’t want conflict.   Problem is, we’ve had a lot of conflict recently – we’re both stressed by some extra medical bills and headaches with our kids – and it seems a whole lot better to me to try to avoid it.  We both have good, supportive friends we can turn to, so when things get tense, I tell my wife I’m going to play a bit of pool at Justin’s house or watch the game at John’s place.  Only now my wife is getting on my case about me doing that.  I would tell her that Justin is a whole lot more fun to hang out with these days, but I’m smart enough to know that wouldn’t exactly help.  But what is going to help? What can I do to stop this cycle? -Out of Ideas”

“Dear Out of Ideas,

Without intending to, you’re causing the very problem you want to avoid.  Although pulling away from your wife to avoid conflict might seem like a wise move, it is actually the last thing you want to do.  Why?  Because it means you will be feeling more and more distant from your wife just when you most need to draw on a sense of closeness, camaraderie and trust in order to get through this tough patch.

Here’s a comparison that might help.  Imagine you and your buddy Justin had some sort of a significant difference of opinion or hurt feelings about something.  Now imagine that you and a distant acquaintance had the same sort of problem.  Would you be more likely to be able to resolve the conflict with Justin?  Or with the acquaintance?

You probably said Justin.  Because both of you would be motivated to solve it and do the work to do so, since you are close friends.

Well, marriage is supposed to be the tightest friendship of all.

At the most basic level, our spouse should be our best friend. And by far the best way to create a close relationship with anyone is to spend time around each other often.  Anyone who has had a close friend move away knows that is true. When you spend time apart, your friendship isn’t as close and intimate as it was before. It’s the same in marriage. In fact, in our research with the happiest couples, 83 percent said they made an effort to hang out with each other a lot, even through the times of conflict – which kept their friendship strong and made resolving conflict far more possible.

By contrast, by escaping the conflict you are not only escaping your wife and diminishing the friendship between you, but you are making yourself vulnerable to the subtle but poisonous temptation to spend more time with your friends than your wife.  Quite the recipe for disaster.

So instead, find ways to spend time together.  You don’t have to schedule candlelight dinners every night and stare deeply into each other’s eyes. (I mean, seriously?) But make an effort to do informal stuff like just sitting and having your morning coffee, working a crossword, or just running to the store together.  The key is the word “together.”

One noted counselor told me that she prescribes troubled couples just one simple action that – in most cases – leads to dramatically different results over time: To spend at least 30 minutes each night, talking and hanging out, with no negativity.   After a week or two, the couple begins to remember why they married each other – they enjoy each other again.  And that rebirth in their friendship changes everything.

It can change everything for you, too.  You may still need to take some time away from conflict to process things, but don’t escape to a friend’s house.  At least for now.  Instead, come back to talk with your wife as soon as possible.  By doing so you will show her that she is your closest friend and that the friendship between the two of you is worth fighting for.

4 Ways to Wield Positive Influence Over Your Teen

By Christian Family

Connecting with your teenager can be a little more difficult than it was in their younger years. However, while parenting teens can be challenging, it’s also the time in which we continue to lay the foundation for lifelong relationships. During adolescence, a natural separation occurs because of our teenager’s attempts to become more independent. Unfortunately, the teen years are also packed with important decisions, a plethora of temptations, and an abundance of voices trying desperately to lead them astray. These are the years when they need our guidance the most! What’s a parent to do?

Our instinct is to hold them tighter, but our attempts at control often backfire and push them further away. How do we, as parents, continue to have a positive influence in our teens’ lives at a time when they are often uninterested and resistant towards our advice?

4 Ways to Build Connection and Positive Influence with Your Teen

1. Prayer

This seems obvious, but I’ll be honest— prayer is often the last thing I think to do. My instinct is to problem solve, give advice, or discipline. As a parent, I want to DO something; and unfortunately, praying often feels passive. Yet, the Lord knows their hearts better than we do, and helping them connect with Him is more valuable than any advice we might offer. So, when our teens are hesitant to talk—or listen— to us, we can remember we have a beautiful opportunity to influence them by praying for them and with them.

*Pray for your teen: If your teen is struggling in a certain area, find Scripture verses that speak of God’s desires and faithfulness in that area and pray them over your teen. Over the years, I have prayed for the Lord to give my teens conviction, boldness, compassion, wisdom, and discernment. I have prayed for their sins to be found out, for them to know the truth and be set free, for them not to be conformed to the ways of the world, and for them to love Jesus and be transformed by His Word, among other things. The Bible is overflowing with promises our teens need, and we can encourage them by praying specific verses over them.

*Pray with your teen: It is a blessing that so much of what our children experience during the teen years is completely out of our control. After all, how else would any of us learn to trust Jesus? These challenging situations provide wonderful opportunities to teach them how to turn to the Lord. This is the perfect time to help our teens connect with Jesus!

If your teen is lonely, pray with them, asking the Lord to provide godly, encouraging friendships. When they are making important decisions, help them seek the Lord’s direction and wisdom. Together, we have asked God to help our teens find lost items, to give our teens boldness to confront difficult situations, to provide new activities and hobbies, to give them courage and discernment, and we’ve even prayed for a new puppy… all of which He has provided (so be careful what you pray for!).

When we pray with our teens for what they need, we are able to help them connect the dots between their prayers and God’s faithfulness, building a faith foundation for the years to come. Not only that, something about praying together helps our hearts connect with theirs in deeply bonding ways.

2. A Listening Ear

We had a saying in my early years of Youth Ministry: “Kids don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” The best way to show a teen you care is to actually listen to them. If we desire to truly influence our teens, we must work on our listening skills.

Learn to Listen More Than You Talk

Unfortunately, I do this much better as a small group leader than I do as a parent. With my own teens, I am tempted to control the conversation and make sure I get my point across. But the fastest way to ruin a connection with a teen is to talk before you listen, particularly if you are frustrated or disappointed. As James reminds us, we must “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”  (James 1:19, NIV)

Here are a few tips for giving your teen the gift of a listening ear:

*Ask questions

*Listen without judgement

*Be trustworthy

*Don’t make it about you

When you listen to your teen, try to set your agenda aside and truly be present. Listen past their words to their heart, to their fears, to all the things they might not be saying. Be interested and engaged; and then keep their confidence. It might take a while, but eventually your teen might even feel safe enough to seek your advice.

3. A Mentor

When our teens begin separating from us and become more difficult for us to connect with, it’s important to recognize that they are more open than ever to the other voices in their life. That’s where the next gift lies: in cultivating a circle of people who influence our teens for good.

This is how we can step back a bit from our teens without leaving them at the mercy of culture. As parents, we have the opportunity to help create an environment of positive influence in the lives of our teens by being intentional about helping shape their circle of mentors—the people who will have the most impact on them during these crucial years. As they separate from us, to whom will they turn for guidance? Whose example will they follow?

The best-kept secret in parenting teens is to multiply your influence during these years by inviting other people into their circle. Youth Group is a powerful part of this circle of influence. Make no mistake—nothing replaces the importance of a teen’s relationship with their parents. But as they seek to create their own identity apart from us, the best thing we can do is surround them with solid, reliable, caring people who can step into the gap for us. This might be a teacher, coach, neighbor, relative, small group leader, or family friend. Good mentors and role models are all around us; we just need to take the time to look for them.

By being intentional about surrounding our teens with mentors we trust, we can help them receive what they need most while maintaining a front row seat to what God is doing in their life.

4. Model- Jesus As Your Number One Priority.

More is Caught than Taught. We can say Jesus is number one in our life, but what do our priorities and actions say? Jesus said, “Make your number one pursuit in life, a right relationship with me and the building of my church.” (Matthew 6:33) We must put Jesus first, with our whole life. Here’s some simple suggestions. Daily devotional time, reading my Bible and in prayer. Getting to church every Sunday for worship. I tithe as God commands. I serve at church and work to point people to Jesus. I strive to live and act as Jesus would. In other words, I have a real relationship with Jesus, not a religion. Of all the gifts we can give our teenagers, a meaningful relationship with their Savior, with us, and with those around them is by far the greatest. As you journey through the teen years, be intentional about praying, listening, and surrounding our teens with people who will love them well. Model your faith and point them to Jesus.